Is your surrogate someone that you know?
When we talk to people about our surrogacy journey one of the questions that we get asked so often is if our surrogate was someone that we knew. We get this question both from people who are just curious and from people who are considering surrogacy themselves. To me this question always puzzles me, because…
When we talk to people about our surrogacy journey one of the questions that we get asked so often is if our surrogate was someone that we knew. We get this question both from people who are just curious and from people who are considering surrogacy themselves. To me this question always puzzles me, because of course I knew our surrogate! We texted, had video chats, and even went to doctors visits.
I think the question people are really wondering is, “did you know your surrogate before you started this whole amazing process”? It seems there are a lot of people who will have a sister or a best friend carry for them. This would have been an amazing option but it didn’t work out that way for us. Instead, we had to meet up with a surrogate in a different way. Meeting and selecting the surrogate that carries your baby is known as “matching”. There are 3 main types of ways to match with a surrogate. The first is a surrogate that you know from before the journey, the second is one met for the journey, and the third is one that never really met or got to. Let’s look deeper at each option.
A SURROGATE THAT YOU KNOW BEFORE THE JOURNEY
A surrogate that you know before the journey would be one from your social circle. You would know her from even before you planned on using a surrogate. She could be your sister in law, cousin, friend from college, coworker or someone else that you know casually. This would be considered an independent match, or indy, because you didn’t meet through an agency (see more on this below).
Having a friend or family member carry is a great option because you already have a relationship. Maybe even a close relationship. Your baby’s origin story could be so rich with your family love that made their life possible. If you were hoping for an altruistic (surrogate not looking for compensation) or lower cost journey, having a friend or family member as a surrogate is your best bet. This can be super convenient, but managing family dynamics, expectations, and maintaining your pre-surrogacy relationship can be challenging.
We weren’t able to move forward with a friend or any of our family for various reasons. Some women offered but didn’t meet the strict criteria, others lived in countries outside of the US, and others didn’t offer and we didn’t feel comfortable with such a big ask.
A SURROGATE THAT YOU MEET FOR THE JOURNEY
Meeting someone for the first time for a surrogacy journey is kinda like moving in with your dorm roommate. You’re both excited for this new experience, you have some things in common, and fate has put you here in this place so to speak. You’re building a relationship from scratch to ride out the highs and lows of this year together.
Agencies and professional matches
You can meet a surrogate you didn’t know before through surrogacy agencies, consultant services, as well as some fertility offices and attorneys. These professionals do the hard work of advertising and recruiting potential surrogates. They make sure they are good candidates by educating them on the process, performing background checks, and completing initial screening.
The services will then work with you to help you to figure out your preference list and pair that with a potential surrogate’s needs and desires. If they don’t already have a great surrogate ready to go, they will start searching for one that is a good fit. So it’s kinda like a dating service because of the match making.
Independent matches
You don’t have to use an agency service to meet a surrogate even if you don’t already know someone who can carry for you. You can match with a surrogate all on your own. This is also called an independent match. Independent matches can be done in a few different ways.
One way is to call on your friend and family network again. If you don’t have someone in your immediate social circle, someone you know may know someone. Examples would be “your childhood friend’s sister who always dreamed of being a surrogate” or “your cousin’s old roommate who read your story and felt moved”. So even if you don’t personally know someone who can do this for you, it’s possible that she’s just a few degrees of separation away!
Other options are websites and Facebook groups where intended parents and surrogates can meet up and try to match. This is actually the path we took. We were open to both our extended friend network and to Facebook matching groups. We reached out to both at the same time and it turns out that our Facebook match panned out first.
A downside of independent matches is that you have to do a lot of leg work on your own. You may have to interview 10 potential surrogates to find the 1 that meets basic criteria and clicks with you. Working with an agency means they’ve done the heavy lifting and would be presenting you with the best options.
THE SURROGATE YOU NEVER MEET
Is it possible to go through an entire surrogacy journey and never meet your surrogate? Yes. But this isn’t common. There are some circumstances where there isn’t much contact between surrogates and intended parents.
When I think about this scenario my mind immediately goes to international surrogacy and mainly the way it was done in the past. Now, thankfully, it seems that most places encourage intended parents and surrogates to at least meet, even if it’s through a translator.
I also think of high profile arrangements with celebrities where they may not meet due to privacy, confidentiality and safety. While not as high profile, some surrogates and intended parents alike may prefer a more distant business-like relationship. Usually most or all communication is through the agency or attorney. This is not the type of arrangement for anyone looking to build a friendship or to have a relationship after delivery.
You can probably see why the question, “is your surrogate someone you know” makes me pause every time. It’s so hard to think of a common reason why you wouldn’t know the woman who is carrying your baby. So yes, I absolutely know who she is, but I didn’t know her before all of this. We met in a Facebook group, matched and were in contact throughout our journey.
How will you meet your surrogate? Do you think she will come from your social circle, an agency, or maybe an online group like ours did? As you write the pages of your journey hopefully this post helps you understand the different ways of doing surrogacy. One of the beautiful parts of surrogacy is how everyone’s story is different.
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